FIVE WAYS TO PREPARE YOUR HUSBAND TO BE YOUR DOULA
(...as explained by a doula who needed her husband to be her doula.)
Updated 6/2/2021
Sitting on my birth ball, I leaned over my bed with my head rested on a stack of pillows. I asked my husband, not very gracefully, to grab various tools from my doula bag to try with the next contraction. We repeated various iterations of this process throughout my labor. (Read my full accidental-bedroom-birth story here.)
Just a few weeks before my estimated due date for baby number 3, I prepared my husband for labor like this:
“I’ll need you to stay calm, keep me hydrated, make sure I go to the bathroom at least once per hour and try different relaxation techniques during contractions. I’ll make sure to let you know what’s working and what isn’t. Once my doula arrives, she can take it from there.” Famous. Last. Words.
At the time, neither of us realized that it would be just us for the majority of the labor of our third baby. No doula. No midwife. No OB. Nada. No. One.
He doula-ed me for three hours, alone, until my actual doula and the EMT arrived JUST before she was born. It all happened so fast.
Although we were an amazing team, I’ve given a lot of thought to how I would suggest others prepare their husbands or partners for labor so they can be the most kick-ass birth support possible, and yes, act as their doula if required.
First, what exactly is a doula?
A doula mothers the mother.
They calm you. Support you. Massage you. They show your partner how to support you. And they do the ‘butt hug’, sometimes. (This is my name for the warm compress on your perineum while you’re pushing. It. Is. Awesome.)
This post is for you if you’re NOT hiring a doula… not every family does. Cost, availability and personal comfort can sometimes be barriers.
This post is for you if you ARE hiring a doula. Case in point: my third birth. While rapid labors aren’t common, there will be a period of time during labor when your doula hasn’t yet reached you.
Either way, it’s a good idea to get your partner ready for doula duty. Here are my 5 top ways for how you can prepare together for your partner to doula you.
1. Learn Together.
The best labor preparation comes from education. Below are my fave classes, documentaries, and books.
Take Him to Class…from the couch!
If you’re able to find a local childbirth education class that supports the type of birth that you want, take it. In-person classes are a great way to practice breathing techniques and labor positions (muscle memory is real).
But, if you’re not able to attend an in-person class, there are a ton of amazing online birth classes that you can watch in your PJs. Mine is gold. Just sayin’.
***Check out my Online Birth Class***
Netflix & Chill (birth documentary style).
Remember that movie with the pregnant woman? The one where her water breaks and everyone rushes to the hospital screaming? Yeah, that’s not usually how it goes. Plus, that’s effing frightening.
For most, labor looks quite different than that. Watch some documentaries to see what real labor looks and sounds like.
Most of the births in these suggested films are all-natural. Even if you’re an epidural kinda girl (no judge zone here), I still recommend watching. There’s so much knowledge packed into these films that will give you a rich understanding of labor and delivery. It’s truly eye opening.
Here are my favorites:
The Business of Being Born: It’s 10 years old but freakin’ awesome! Plus, you get to see Ricki Lake give birth in a bathtub (fan girl of her talk show wayyyyy back in the day).
Orgasmic Birth: That’s right. Women orgasm while giving birth.
These Are My Hours: Newer documentary of a woman giving birth undisturbed on her living room floor. I imagine that this is what I looked like when I accidentally gave birth on my bedroom floor. Except I was laying on my side. It’s powerful AF.
Go Deep with Books
This one is going to depend on how involved your partner plans to be in the birth, and if they’re into reading.
If you answered ‘very’ and ‘yes’ to the above, here are my book suggestions.
The Birth Partner: This book is actually part of many doula training requirements, and I find it easy to read.
Husband-Coached Childbirth: While I haven’t read this one, it comes highly recommended if you’re planning a Bradley Method birth.
2. Tell Him / Her How to Support You.
Start with figuring out your needs and preferences. Need help figuring that out? Download the free birth plan template in the Freebie Library. Then, share it with them.
Think about how you want to be supported emotionally during labor. Get specific:
Do you want him (or her) to talk to you during contractions? Give them phrases that you like to help you get through the mental part. Example: “You’re doing great, babe.”
Or would you prefer that they make quiet eye contact?
Example: When I was on the toilet in transition with baby 3, I grabbed my husband’s arm, pulled him down and said, “Sit down, stay with me and talk to me!” How’s that for clear communication? ;)
Next, consider how you want to be supported physically. Again, get specific.
Do you prefer a gentle or firm massage? A bear hug? A snuggle and make out sesh?
Don’t forget to let him know that your preferences might change in the moment.
3. Give Him (or Her) The Right Tools.
If your partner is anything like mine, tools are the bees knees. Be sure to check out the DIY Doula class, which is included in my Online Birth Course. It’s packed with tools and techniques you can share with your partner to prepare them for labor.
After you’ve watched the class, be sure to pack your tools in your hospital bag so you have them handy!
4. Download a contraction timer app on their phone.
When you’re in labor, you’ll need help keeping contractions straight (you’ll be a little..erm..distracted to do this yourself). Things can get emotional and intense for both of you.
A timer app will help take some of the guesswork out of the process so your partner can focus more on supporting you and less on counting. My favorite is the Full Term Contraction Timer, but any will work.
5. Have him / her use your camera to take pictures and video.
Yes, even if you’ve hired a birth photographer, being ready with a charged phone camera will help your partner capture special moments and be useful in an emergency...like an unexpected home birth.
My birth photographer was waiting patiently at the hospital when I arrived in the ambulance, baby in arms. Luckily, my husband discreetly set up the iPad on our dresser to capture a bit of video from my labor in our bedroom.
Final thoughts…
Don’t forget to give your partner some grace as they prepare for birth. I know, I know… you’re doing the vast majority of the work. It can be tough for some to see their partner in pain. Keep in mind that these tips will help to prepare him / her for how to help you through that temporary situation.
No matter how your birth events unfold, they will be in awe of you and your incredible power. This will be a game changing day for your relationship, in the best way.
For further support, be sure to checkout my Online Birth Course for expectant couples. We will cover everything from VBAC risks and perspectives to expectations during labor, what to expect during pushing and more to prepare you for birth.